Same Mistake
by Muse-at-dawn
Summary: He always thought his father was unfair for hurting someone he loved, but then, when he found himself in the same position, Alexander understood.


**Disclaimer: The characters belong to History.**

**Claim: Mostly Alexander/Hephaistion with minor references to Alexander/Roxanne, Alexander/Bagoas and Phillip/Cleitus. **

**Summary:** _He always thought his father was unfair for hurting someone he loved, but then, when he found himself in the same position, Alexander understood._

**Quite honestly I don't expect people to read this, but if you do I must warn you: I have not seen the movie (I've seen up to their arrival to Babylon, or like ten minutes beyond that) but after reading so many fics both here and in LJ I thought I must give it a shot, so here I am. And yes, this may contain some mistakes, I am not an English-native speaker (I'm mexican) and even though I'm studying English Literature I am just getting started.**

**

* * *

**

_When I was just a young boy I was honest and I had more self-control; if I was tempted I would run._

_"Flawed Design" - Stabilo_

**Same Mistake**

When Alexander was still a prince, he often wondered whether his father had ever loved somebody. (For him it was rather obvious that whatever reasons he had had for marrying Olympias had been anything but love). Sometimes he thought he had seen certain sadness in Phillip's eyes whenever he spoke to General Cleitus, but had always been afraid of asking. He wondered, if the King had loved Cleitus then why had he married an unwanted wife?

Well, that part he could understand, he had already been lectured about his 'duties' as future King, aside from conquering territories, duties such as providing his kingdom with an heir.

_"As the future King it is expected from you to get marry someday." Had explained his father without really looking at him._

_"I thought you said women were dangerous creatures" had been the reply. _

_The sole idea of him marrying some unknown and rather unwanted woman was ludicrous, they were attractive indeed, but he wasn't interested, he found them dangerous as his father had once pointed out, besides, that would be like cheating and he would never dare to hurt his Hephaistion (for they were together) in such a way._

_"I know what I said, for I do believe it, but," the King had smiled at his son "hadn't it been for my marrying Olympias you wouldn't be here."_

_And Alexander had had to agree there._

So it was a royal duty to get married, that was painfully understandable, but he knew that his father had lovers and that part was simply unfathomable. How could his father hurt his beloved (for by that point he was certain there had been more than a diplomatic relationship between the King and the General) like that? Was he really that mean?

And Alexander vowed that if he ever had to get married, he would never, ever hurt his beloved Hephaistion by choosing a lover over him.

The ceremony had been, for most of the people who had witnessed it, something beautiful, worth of a King. But for said King it had been meaningless to say the least, neither his heart nor his soul were there and when his eyes found the veiled beauty of his bride he felt incomplete. Yes, she was a beautiful woman, she would be a fine Queen, but he did not love her. He felt as if his soul had been separated from his body and he could no longer find it.

Alexander laid down, feeling rather empty, Roxanne, who laid beside him, was possibly under Morpheo's influence for she was soundly asleep. The King felt it was impossible to sleep, he had fulfilled his duty by marrying her, by bedding her, and was currently tasting the bitter taste of betrayal on his lips (he had kissed her glossy lips as he took her) and a numbness on his fingertips, yes, her skin and her hair felt like velvet under his touch and smelled like a bouquét of flowers but it did not satisfy him. He was used to ran his fingers across skin less smooth, less unmarred (for his beloved had some scars that were just proof of his courage).

When they were younger everything had been easier, it was common that Helios found them in either Alexander's or Hephaistion's chamber, sleeping in each other's arms after having rendered a tribute to the beautiful Aphrodite. Their love then had been pure, unmarred, just as natural as breathing. Then it had become more passionate yet it was not only physical, there was an equilibrium, they were precisely what the other needed, solace after the hunder, a perfect balance. It never ceased to amaze Alexander they way Hephaistion's body seemed to welcome him every time, how they seemed to fit (like one soul into two different bodies). How much they loved each other.

_"It's okay, we are going to be okay" had said Hephaistion after Alexander (half drunk and desperate) had informed him of his engagement to Roxanne. "I know, I know."_

_And it had pained the King the unnatural calmness of his voice, because he then saw in his eyes (whose color was more profound than that of the sky, more beautiful) that he really understood his reasons and that he truly believed that everything would be okay between them. Everything had worked out before, even when they faced an unexpected temptation, their love was more powerful, they should be fine._

When Alexander pronounced the words that would tie him to Roxanne forever he had felt something breaking within him, he must have known then that no, despite their dreams, nothing would be okay. The moment his life was entwined with Roxanne's it was as if he had parted ways with Hephaistion.

Alexander knows that this is wrong (the eunuch dances for him only, and there is certain charm in the way he sways and the king gives into temptation), that he is breaking his vow (his body is rather frail yet he knows how to please the King, how to elicit moans and encouraging words) that Hephaistion will never forgive him (Alexander kisses briefly the lips, but never lingers, and never lets the eunuch stay for too long), but he cannot help himself. Bagoas is an eunuch, he is used to please but never to ask questions neither with his eyes nor with words. It is simple, Alexander beds him occasionally and then dismisses him.

He knows that is unfathomable for him to love Hephaistion so much, yet hurt him in this way (because he knows that his beloved knows, he has seen with those keen eyes of him, when the King half drunk have kissed the eunuch and then went with him to a chamber). Truth is, Alexander tastes guilt every single day and does not dare to be with his beloved because he is no longer pure (he stopped being so the moment his lips touched Roxanne, for he was betraying his Phai by sleeping with another), and Hephaistion did not deserve to be stained.

And it is precisely then when he understands that his father must have loved Cleitus, but felt unworthy of such love. Because that is exactly how Alexander feels, and sometimes he wonders whether he is going to be able to forgive himself.


End file.
